Snowballin'

Let me start off with he disclaimer that I am very bad at sports, rarely do I win. So last week when I won the Ultimate Snowball Fight I felt the need to gloat. The other snowball fighters fail to see how I won, but I will now explain how victory was achieved.

First off lets introduce the players

Robert Gilbert - 5 foot 9 1/2. Special skills; Dimples and accent.

Fred Nicholson - 5 foot 9. Special skills; A mustache that can shoot rainbows.

Nicole Patterson - 5 foot 5. Special skills; Like any good football team, a great pair upfront.

Ashley Herring - 5 foot 8. Special skills; A secret past as a Philadelphia Eagles cheerleader.

Katlin McGrath - 5 foot 2. Special skills; The loudest voice in the world.

Before I tell you the story I need to explain one thing. Recently I have undertaken a mission to phase out Katlin’s name and replace it with a combination of her name and what she is doing. For example when she is drinking I call her drinklin, if she is yawning then I call her yawnlin, if she is throwing a long pointy stick then she is javelin and so on and so on. For the remainder of this story she will not be called Katlin.

The 5 of us were at a bar to celebrate the lovely Kellan’s birthday, however an evening of a few drinks quickly turned into a lot of drinks. We all decided enough was enough and it was time to leave. As we walked out the bar we saw that New York had been covered in a blanket of snow. Our joy was cut short pretty quickly as we were confronted with an elite team of snowball throwers lobbing grenades our way. Ducklin got out of the way pretty fast leaving the 4 of us to take some hits. We of course responded in kind and suddenly the great snowball fight of 2010 was on. After 2 minutes it was off. Our foes had decided they had had enough and left.

Now there is a big question as to who threw the next snowball or who it even hit. We have our suspicions, personally I think it was turncoatlin but before we knew it someone within our group of 5 was firing snowballs not at the enemy but at their own side. It was time for all out carnage.

Left, right and centre snowballs were being catapulted skywards and falling on unsuspecting heads. As the 5 of us pelted each other with snowballs many other men, lured in by Ashley’s cheerleading skills and Nicole’s breasts, would try and participate but we were far to professional for them and they soon faded away. My cat like skills were ensuring I was pretty much remaining dry and un-snowed throughout this exchange but it was time for me to step up the game and manipulate my friends...

Ashley lives on the Lower East Side, Katlin lives in the East Village, I live by Union Square, Fred lives in Brooklyn and Nicole in Hoboken (stop laughing). Whoever gave up and went home first would lose and right now we were standing exactly in the middle of all 5 locations. I decided I didn’t want to walk home by myself in the snow so lagged behind the group and threw snowballs from the back. Unbeknownst to my friends I was the rudder of this proverbial motorboat, directing them to my apartment to I had an excuse to go home and not have to walk by myself. Genius.

However the shit then hit the fan. Bitchlin suddenly stopped in her tracks and picked up a big lump of snow, walked straight up to me and from 5 inches away threw a combination of snow and ice into my face. She had broken the universal rules of snowball fights; No Ice and no throwing from point blank range. The bitch had to go. I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder (not that impressive, she’s tiny). Flailin was complainlin but I was having none of it. I threw her headfirst into a huge pile of snow. Cheatlin was now soakedlin. She tried to stand back up but I just pushed her over. An undisputed victory for Team Rob. Confusedlin was then too disorientated and lamelin to hit me with snowballs anymore, thus eliminating her from the competition. I returned to my position of boat rudder and slowly but surely directed everyone to the where I needed to be.

After ten minutes we were standing outside Blue 9 Burger..... well whaddyaknow! It felt like the right thing to do and finish the fight and have a burger. Blue 9 is less than a block from my apartment. As everyone finished their burger they all realized they had to jump in cabs (hard to come by in a snowy New York) or ride the faltering snowed in Subway home. I walked for 2 minutes and was in my bed whilst everyone shivered and waited for cabs.

And that’s how you win a snowball fight.