Hot Mess

Recently we have been having a few issues with hot water in the apartment.... and by issues I mean we haven't had any.
Let me preface this by saying that when I come home from work I stink of BBQ sauce, it clings to me like a 3 year old boy who still breast feeds clings to his mothers nipple. It's in my hair, my clothes and my soul.
The other day I waltzed home from a double shift late one night and really, really needed a shower. I stripped down so that little Rob could take a few breaths of fresh air and jumped merrily into the shower, turned it on and waited for the hot water... and waited.... and waited.
After 5 minutes of standing there, my nipples erect enough to cut glass and little Rob retreating back inside my stomach, I realized that perhaps there was an issue with the hot water. I wrote an angry email to the Super (also called Rob but not to be confused with little Rob) and decided that I would boil a kettle in my quest for hot water.
I made a rookie error, of course I let the kettle boil, of course I screamed in agony as i poured the water over my head, of course at that moment the mouse chose to run into the bathroom causing me to scream even more. I abandoned my idea of a hot shower and instead splashed sub zero temperature water onto my shivering body trying desperately to wash off the soapy suds.
The next morning I rose early to embrace the hot water which would surely have been turned on by now.... no such luck. I now smelt of sweat, sleep, BBQ and a smattering of aftershave and deodorant to cover the smell. Amazingly two individual people that day told me I smelt good.... I have no idea of what their heritage was, but apparently where they are from the smell I was emitting was pleasant.
I returned home from another BBQ filled day at work to discover a hand scrawled note plastered to my front door 'Tomorrow No Hot Water.' Thanks for the heads up, perhaps one of these a few days ago wouldn't have gone a miss!!
Another cold water splash shower sent me on my way to bed as I dreamed of splashing about in the kiddies pool.
The next morning I awoke like a kid on Christmas, or a jew on Chanukah (8 days of presents.... we don't get as excited). I leapt in the shower and there it was, steam! Beautiful hot steamy water gushing forth from the faucet. I gorged myself on it's heat, blissfully unaware that the water was getting hotter and hotter. Soon the water was burning holes in my skin. The Super had fixed the hot water alright... he had fixed it so much that each drop of it was like sulphuric acid gnawing away at my pinky white body.
I put the tap to the coldest the shower would go and miserably washed in a lukewarm rain as the smell of BBQ sauce wafted into the air.

The Audition

So I am not in New York to hunt for women, I'm here to find some work as an actor and this week I had a few auditions.

Surprisingly this tale begins with a callback from one production that wanted a second look at me. To put it in X Factor terms I had just sung for the judges and had received 3 yes', my English accent had the potential to hold me back due to it being an American play.
So on thursday I went back for another audition, I was essentially off to boot camp. This time though every time I read I had to do it in an American accent. Unfortunately the sides (script) that I had been sent by email were not Mac compatible, so I had to turn up early to the callback to pick up a script and then take myself off to a coffee shop to learn my lines. It was the equivalent of when someone changes their song last minute in order to impress Cowell and co.
My competition for the part wasn't as large as I expected, in fact there were only 4 of us who had been called back, considering there had been close to 100 poeple at the initial audition I saw that as a good thing. The first guy going for the part was a 27 year old flaming homosexual who looked like a 15 year old boy but had gray hair. Next was a tall, handsome, blonde man who oozed attractiveness and finally was a guy who looked like Chace Crawford...... shit.
I then sat and waited.... boy did I wait. I arrived at the studios at 5:30 and wasn't called in until 8:15!! After reading a few times with a couple of guys who were going for the role of the protagonists father I was then called in to read with a lady going for the part of the Mother. It was a disaster. It was awkward and generally shit. The director stopped us halfway through and explained that in the scene my character was combing his mothers hair, the woman then blurted out "it's fine Rob, you can touch me anywhere you like, however you like." There was then an awkward second of silence before I said "that's the first time a woman has said that to me in a while." Second time around the scene was still terrible.
It was now 9:15 and the waiting area which had previously been quiet and full of tension had now become an arena of boredom. Soon I started talking to the gay guy, handsome man and Chace Crawford. Then, joy, the girls arrived! I decided to talk to them instead.
I had stupidly forgotten to eat dinner and my energy levels were low, I ploughed on though and read for the director 8 times! Eventually at 11 I left. Handsome Man had since been told he could leave so I was now down to the final 3 and would receive a call the next day.

I woke up on Friday and waited..... and waited.... and waited. I booked a weekend to Chicago, then waited some more. My phone did not ring. Fuck, I hadn't got the part. Then suddenly in a blaze of flashing lights and crappy ringtones my phone burst into life..... I didn't recognize the number. Oh..... My..... God.
I tentatively answered.... "hello?" "Hey Rob, it's Josh." Josh Fineman my best friend as a baby was in New York, I tried to hide the disappointment in my voice at it not being the theatre calling.
We chatted and then my phone beeped..... Incoming call from an unrecognized number. Holy Shit.
I hung up on Josh instantly and answered the phone..........













So Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls if you would like to see Robert Gilbert in his New York stage debut then follow this link to get tickets!
http://www.smarttix.com/show.aspx?showcode=TRE7
It's only in a small theatre (I emphasize the word small here) and contrary to rumors spread by Dylan Viner there is no full frontal nudity.
You gotta start somewhere.... and I'm starting here!

Good Meet, Wrong Meat

On Saturday night after a lovely dinner with the family (more about them later) myself, Dan and Desi left Tribeca in search of a good night out. After a few drinks at the female Robert Gilbert's apartment (hello Lisa Schwartz) we decided to call it a night.

I was a little tipsy at this point and on my way home decided to stop at Duane Reed for some late night snacks. Unfortunately for all concerned the 24 hour store was closed because the manager wanted to count money (perhaps he was auditioning for the role of Shylock in the local theatre production).

Dismayed and heartbroken I turned around after banging on the doors to be greeted by a sort of familiar face. 'Hello Rob' said the person... I had that terrible moment where someone knows you but you don't know them..... 'It's me... Vanessa, we met at Hectors rooftop party.' Click. I remembered who the girl was, a childhood friend of a friend originally from Chile.

It soon transpired that Vanessa was off to a bar to drink.... alone. It was already 1:30 and I had work the next day but needless to say my penis took over, 'I'll join you' I quipped, and we were off. The bar was a shithole, it was like a smelly function room where the wierd kid from school had his barmitzvah and invited everyone to come, everyone did come to look at his sisters enormous chest.

I was reconsidering my actions when Vanessa begged me to stay because she had a friend coming who was in love with her and she didn't want to be left alone with him. Into the bar then strode Kayvon. A towering beast of a man from an exotic country. The next 45 minutes were spent with me sat between Kayvon and Vanessa as he tried to woo her whilst I attempted to kill the atmosphere with unsexy topics of discussion such as soft cookies and Snow Leopard for Mac. Vanessa and I then excused ourselves to go to the toilet to come up with a plan to ditch Kayvon. The plan wasn't the most complex, Vanessa said she was tired and wanted to go home, I chimed in that I lived near her so she wouldn't be walking home alone. By now it was 3 and I had work in a few hours so despite Kayvon's protests the plan went off without a hitch. MI6 have now offered me a job.

At work the next day royalty arrived, my family. Now I have been doing pretty well so far and am yet to really mess up any orders. But this was to be my biggest test so far. Let me run through each member of the family and detail why eating dinner with them is a pain.....

Mum - Does not eat red meat, chicken (except on shabbos), bread, strawberries. Likes Salad and Grey Goose Vodka.

Dad - If he has exercised will eat a hearty meal. If not then wants to share most dishes. Won't eat Pork, a problem in a rib restaurant.

Claire - Will not eat red meat, fish, most sauces, anything exotic, vegetables. WIll eat Burgers, Pizza and Chicken Nuggets. Elizabeth - Likes sauce on the side and recently is Dad's new sharing partner. Will eat meat.

Special Guest Daniel - Wont eat Fish (but will try it). Eats everything else.

The order was a nightmare. Salad with sauces on the side, shrimps added to things, coleslaw substituted for Chips, Chips substituted for Sweet Fries. Coke's without Lemon/Ice, the works. You aren't supposed to tell a guest to fuck off.... but I came close. Of course when the food came out I had rung a few things in wrong, my loving mother pointed this out and despite me protesting my innocence she stood by her word. Thank god they liked the food I did get right though, a rarity in most restaurants we eat at. If I ever have a more complicated order I will let you know.