On Saturday night after a lovely dinner with the family (more about them later) myself, Dan and Desi left Tribeca in search of a good night out. After a few drinks at the female Robert Gilbert's apartment (hello Lisa Schwartz) we decided to call it a night.
I was a little tipsy at this point and on my way home decided to stop at Duane Reed for some late night snacks. Unfortunately for all concerned the 24 hour store was closed because the manager wanted to count money (perhaps he was auditioning for the role of Shylock in the local theatre production).
Dismayed and heartbroken I turned around after banging on the doors to be greeted by a sort of familiar face. 'Hello Rob' said the person... I had that terrible moment where someone knows you but you don't know them..... 'It's me... Vanessa, we met at Hectors rooftop party.' Click. I remembered who the girl was, a childhood friend of a friend originally from Chile.
It soon transpired that Vanessa was off to a bar to drink.... alone. It was already 1:30 and I had work the next day but needless to say my penis took over, 'I'll join you' I quipped, and we were off. The bar was a shithole, it was like a smelly function room where the wierd kid from school had his barmitzvah and invited everyone to come, everyone did come to look at his sisters enormous chest.
I was reconsidering my actions when Vanessa begged me to stay because she had a friend coming who was in love with her and she didn't want to be left alone with him. Into the bar then strode Kayvon. A towering beast of a man from an exotic country. The next 45 minutes were spent with me sat between Kayvon and Vanessa as he tried to woo her whilst I attempted to kill the atmosphere with unsexy topics of discussion such as soft cookies and Snow Leopard for Mac. Vanessa and I then excused ourselves to go to the toilet to come up with a plan to ditch Kayvon. The plan wasn't the most complex, Vanessa said she was tired and wanted to go home, I chimed in that I lived near her so she wouldn't be walking home alone. By now it was 3 and I had work in a few hours so despite Kayvon's protests the plan went off without a hitch. MI6 have now offered me a job.
At work the next day royalty arrived, my family. Now I have been doing pretty well so far and am yet to really mess up any orders. But this was to be my biggest test so far. Let me run through each member of the family and detail why eating dinner with them is a pain.....
Mum - Does not eat red meat, chicken (except on shabbos), bread, strawberries. Likes Salad and Grey Goose Vodka.
Dad - If he has exercised will eat a hearty meal. If not then wants to share most dishes. Won't eat Pork, a problem in a rib restaurant.
Claire - Will not eat red meat, fish, most sauces, anything exotic, vegetables. WIll eat Burgers, Pizza and Chicken Nuggets. Elizabeth - Likes sauce on the side and recently is Dad's new sharing partner. Will eat meat.
Special Guest Daniel - Wont eat Fish (but will try it). Eats everything else.
The order was a nightmare. Salad with sauces on the side, shrimps added to things, coleslaw substituted for Chips, Chips substituted for Sweet Fries. Coke's without Lemon/Ice, the works. You aren't supposed to tell a guest to fuck off.... but I came close. Of course when the food came out I had rung a few things in wrong, my loving mother pointed this out and despite me protesting my innocence she stood by her word. Thank god they liked the food I did get right though, a rarity in most restaurants we eat at. If I ever have a more complicated order I will let you know.
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